What is grief?

Grief is a natural emotional response to loss. Grieving is a process that can help you come to terms with a loss, such as when a loved one dies.

Everyone experiences grief differently. Your experience of grief and how you cope with it will depend on different factors. These may include your age, previous experiences with grief and your spiritual or religious views.

Your response to grief might depend on the type of relationship you have with your loved one with and how you think your life might change without them.

Some feelings you might experience while grieving are:

• numbness or disbelief
• guilt
• sadness
• anger at yourself or the person who is dying
• anxiety or fear about the future
• relief
• mood swings

These are all natural reactions to a significant loss. Grief can be tough and may take time to ease, so be patient with yourself. This process may take months.

Many feelings associated with grief are similar to those experienced by people with depression. If grief is affecting your daily life and you find it hard to cope, speak to your doctor or amental health professional.

What is anticipatory grief?

Grief is often understood to happen after a loss occurs, for example after a loved one dies. People expecting a loss may also experience anticipatory grief.

Anticipatory grief means feeling sad before the loss occurs. Rather than grieving for the person, who is still with you, you may feel grief for the things you won't get to do together in the future.

When facing a significant loss, such as the death of a loved one, it is natural to feel many strong emotions. It's also normal to think about what your life will be like after they have died and how you will cope. This doesn't mean you have given up on the person or that you don't care for them.

Who experiences anticipatory grief?

People diagnosed with a terminal illness and those facing the death of a loved one may experience anticipatory grief.

If you have beendiagnosed with a terminal illness, you may experience many emotions including shock, fear and sadness. You may feel grief for events you won't be around to experience, such as weddings, graduations or births. You grieve lost opportunities or experiences you'll miss — even small ones, such as the pleasure of the sunshine or a hot cup of coffee.

If someone you love is facing a terminal illness, it is common to experience anticipatory grief in the months, weeks and days before death.

You might grieve the same things your loved one is grieving, or different losses altogether. Everyone's grief looks different.

You might feel anticipatory grief If your loved one is confused or unconscious for a long time (e.g. with delirium or dementia). You may feel that the person you knew is already gone, even if they are still physically there.

If your loved one has a decline in physical health or mobility, you might feel anticipatory grief as you lose the opportunity to share experiences, such as hobbies, holidays or events.

How is anticipatory grief different from grief after death?

Anticipatory grief may be related to feelings of loss related to your own life rather than the loss of the person who is unwell.

This is especially true if you spend a lot of time caring for the person. You may miss activities you used to enjoy together and feel grief about the change in your relationship.

The nature of your relationship may change as you take on a carer's role, or become the one being cared for. It may take some time to adjust to and accept these changes.

Feelings associated with grief before death can be strong and overwhelming. Support is available to help you cope.

What are the complications of anticipatory grief?

Anticipatory grief is not as widely understood or discussed as grief after death. This means that people struggling with anticipatory grief may feel guilty or ashamed of these feelings and might not seek support to help them cope.

You or your loved one may not even be aware that what you are going through is anticipatory grief. Feelings of grief before death are normal — it's important to recognise them, and to talk about them.

Experiencing anticipatory grief doesn't necessarily mean that you will grieve your loved one any less after they are gone. Carers of people who are terminally ill may become closer to their loved one, making their feelings of grief after death even more intense.

Other people found that anticipatory grief helped them to process their grief before death. They may feel a sense of relief or closure after the person dies. It's also possible for feelings of grief to change in intensity over time.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Whether grief occurs before or after a loss, it's important to accept how you feel, find ways to cope and ask for help when you need it.

Seeking support for grief before losing somebody you care about may make it easier to process the feelings you experience after the person dies.

How can I manage anticipatory grief?

There are many ways to help you manage feelings of anticipatory grief:

• Find someone to talk to about your feelings. This may be a close friend or family member, social worker or member of your (or your loved one's) medical team. You may also choose to speak to a professional counsellor or psychologist.
• Keep a journal to record and work through your feelings.
• Try to maintain a healthy, balanced diet.
• Limit your intake of caffeine and alcohol.
• Exercise can help reduce feelings of anger and improve your mood.
• Try meditation or relaxation exercises. These may also help with sleep problems.
• Seek advice from your doctor symptoms such as sleep, mood or appetite problems.

Grief, including anticipatory grief, can be intense and overwhelming. If you are struggling with intense feelings lasting longer than a few weeks, speak to your doctor. They can provide advice, support and a referral to a mental health professional.

Griefline supports anyone experiencing different types of grief. They offer resources and support so you don't feel alone.

Resources and support

• Grief Australia provides counselling and runs support groups for individuals, children and families experiencing bereavement. Freecall: 1800 642 066.
• Lifeline provides support for people experiencing emotional distress.
• Beyond Blue provides information and support for people experiencing mental health difficulties including grief.
• Griefline — Call 1300 845 745 for support available to adults aged 18 years and over.
• Mensline provides telephone and online counselling and support to men in Australia.
• Cancer Council provides information and support to people with cancer and their loved ones.

Looking for easy read resources on grief and loss?

For help in easy read format, read this fact sheet on grief and loss or this fact sheet about feeling sad.

Do you prefer to read in languages other than English?

Visit theCareSearch website for links to palliative care and end-of-life information in a range of community languages.

Looking for information for Aboriginal and/or Torres Strait Islander people?

Call Carer Gateway on 1800 422 737 for resources to support for Aboriginal and/or Torres Strait Islander carers and communities.

Looking for information for sexually and gender-diverse families?

CareSearch provides information on understanding bereavement, end of life and palliative care needs of the LGBTIQA+ community.

Grieflink has resources for LGBTIQA+ communities on suicide and grief.