What is domestic and family violence?

Domestic and family violence includes any behaviour that is:

• violent
• threatening
• controlling
• intended to make you feel scared and unsafe

Domestic and family violence may be committed by:

• a family member
• a spouse, partner or de facto partner of any gender
• an ex-partner
• a carer or guardian
• anyone in a close or intimate relationship with you

The abuser can be of any gender or sexual orientation. Anyone can find themselves in an abusive relationship no matter their background, sex or gender.

What are the types of domestic violence and abuse?

Abusive relationships do not always involve physical violence. There are other kinds of damaging abuse, none of which are acceptable.

Types of abuse include:

• Physical abuse: direct violence, such as strangulation, slapping, punching, kicking, shaking or pushing or using objects as weapons. Physical abuse can also include throwing things, withholding food and destroying property.
• Coercive control: deliberate, ongoing behaviour to control another person through repeated harm, fear or isolation.
• Sexual abuse: any form of rape, unwanted or forced sexual activity, sexual threats or insults. Sexual abuse can also include restricting access to contraception or refusing to wear a condom.
• Verbal abuse: intimidation, verbal attacks, threats, insults, name-calling, yelling or humiliation. Themes might relate to body shape, sexuality, gender identity, intelligence or ability as a parent.
• Psychological or emotional abuse: blaming or ignoring the person ('sulking'), belittling, questioning their behaviour or sense of reality, emotional blackmail or suicide threats. The perpetrator might also spy on or stalk the person, including monitoring communications or using GPS tracking.
• Social isolation: isolating the victim from their family and friends, such as forbidding or preventing contact with family or friends. The perpetrator might force the person to move away from family or employment opportunities.
• Financial abuse: controlling finances, including limiting the victim's access to bank accounts, salaries or pensions, hiding possessions and theft. Financial abuse may also involve preventing someone from working.
• Spiritual abuse: mocking a person's beliefs and culture or preventing them from being part of a religion or cultural group.
• Neglect: not meeting the basic needs of a person you're caring for, such as a child. This might include failing to protect them from physical harm or danger or stopping them from getting medical care. It can also be neglect of, or unresponsiveness to, the other person's basic emotional needs.
• Child abuse includes any form of physical, sexual, verbal or emotional abuse or neglect of children.
• Elder abuse includes any form of abuse directed at older adults.

Who is at risk of domestic and family violence?

Domestic and family violence can affect anyone, whatever their status, sex, gender, age, race or culture. Most victims are women and children, and most perpetrators are male.

The risk of domestic and family violence is highest if the relationship is affected by:

• relationship breakdown
• pregnancy
• alcohol or drug addiction (affecting the victim or perpetrator)
• stress, especially financial stress

Women with a history of mental illness and Aboriginal and/or Torres Strait Islander people are more likely to experience domestic and family violence.

What are the signs of domestic and family violence?

Victims of domestic and family violence might not be ready to talk about what they are going through, but sometimes there are signs that something isn't right:

• They have less confidence or are quieter than usual.
• They seem afraid of their partner.
• They have stopped seeing their friends or family.
• Their partner often criticises them, humiliates them, orders them around or makes all the decisions.
• They talk about their partner's bad temper or jealousy.
• They have unexplained physical injuries, such as bruises, broken bones, sprains or cuts.
• Their children seem afraid of the person or show withdrawn or anxious behaviour.

What are the effects of domestic and family violence?

If you are affected by domestic violence you might:

• feel scared or anxious
• have trouble sleeping
• have trouble concentrating
• lose self confidence
• feel isolated

You might find yourself changing your behaviour or avoiding certain topics around the abuser. You may feel like you deserve the abuse or that you are to blame. But remember, you are never to blame for someone else's behaviour.

People in an abusive relationship may also be at risk of:

• physical injuries
• sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
• developing mental health disorders such as depression, deliberate self-harm and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

What are the effects of domestic and family violence on children?

Domestic and family violence can have a harmful effect on children, even if the child is not a direct victim of violence.

Seeing violence between parents can disrupt a child's sense of safety and security. This can have long-term effects on children's physical and mental health, as well as their learning and social development. They may not learn about healthy relationships, and are more likely to use controlling and manipulative behaviour themselves.

Signs that a child might be suffering abuse include:

• withdrawn or detached behaviour
• being bullied by, or bullying other children
• physical health complaints, such as headaches or stomach cramps
• problems with schoolwork
• deliberate self-harm or drug or alcohol use
• mood swings
• more advanced sexual behaviour than expected for their age

What is the 'cycle of abuse'?

The cycle of abuse is a common pattern in domestic and family violence. It helps us understand why abusive relationships often continue.

1. First there is a build-up of tension. The victim may feel fearful or that they have to change their behaviour to avoid triggering the abuser.
2. Next comes the abusive incident. The tension erupts into verbal, physical, or emotional abuse.
3. Afterwards, the abuser may regret or be ashamed of their behaviour and try to reconcile.

They may do this by trying to:

• justify their actions
• making excuses
• denying or minimising what happened
• apologise
• promise not to do it again

Both people may then enter a honeymoon or calm phase, also known as 'love bombing'. This is when the abuser may shower the victim with gifts and affection.

After the honeymoon phase, the event may be forgotten. Both the abuser and the victim may try to justify the abuse or deny how bad it is. The cycle may then begin again.

What can I do if I'm in an abusive relationship?

If you think you are in an abusive relationship, or know someone who might be, get help now.

If you are currently experiencing domestic violence or feel unsafe in an intimate or family relationship, call the 24-hour National Sexual Assault, Domestic, Family Violence

Counselling Service on 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732).

If you are in danger, protect yourself. Get out of the situation and call the police. Talk to someone you trust, whether it's a friend, family member or a counsellor, who can help you decide what to do next. Then come up with a plan — decide what to do the next time something bad happens.

1800 RESPECT has resources that you can use to develop a safety plan.

Both victims and perpetrators may need support and help to recover. You may also have mental health issues that need to be addressed. Your doctor can refer you to a counsellor or psychologist for support.

How do I start a conversation about domestic violence?

If you're worried someone might be experiencing family or domestic violence, contact one of the support services below for advice from a trained counsellor. Every situation is different, and they can guide you through how to approach the specific situation.

You can talk to the person gently and let them know that you are worried. Don't push the person into talking if they are uncomfortable, but let them know that you're available if they need help.

How can I help an adult?

Simply being there to support someone can make all the difference. If someone is talking to you about domestic violence, you should listen closely and take them seriously.

Here are some tips:

• Help the person to recognise that what is happening is abuse.
• Don't judge their choices, even if they decide to stay in the relationship.
• Help them make a plan to stay safe — including plans for any children.
• Offer practical help such as babysitting or cooking a meal.
• Tell the person about domestic violence counselling services.
• Keep supporting the person after they have left the relationship.

How can I help a child?

If you think a child is experiencing or witnessing domestic violence, here's how you can help:

• Let them know it's not their fault.
• Make sure the child knows safe people they can ask for help, including how to call the police on triple zero (000).
• Let their school or childcare centre know about your concerns.
• Call the family and community services child protection helpline in your state or territory.

If you suspect that a child is experiencing or witnessing domestic violence, you may have a legal obligation to report this to local authorities. This depends on which state you live in and the nature of your relationship with the child. If you aren't sure, contact 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) for advice.

Where can I get more help and find resources?

Contact your state or territory support service:

• ACT: Domestic Violence Crisis Service ACT — (02) 6280 0900
• NSW: Domestic Violence Line — 1800 656 463
• QLD: DV Connect — 1800 811 811
• Victoria: Safe Steps Family Violence Response Centre — 1800 015 188
• WA: Women's Domestic Violence Helpline — 1800 007 339 or (08) 9223 1188; Men's Domestic Violence Helpline — 1800 000 599 or (08) 9223 1199
• SA: Domestic Violence Crisis Service Line — 1800 800 098
• Tasmania: Family Violence Response and Referral Line — 1800 633 937; or Family Violence Counselling and Support Service — 1800 608 122
• NT: Dawn House — (08) 8945 1388 or find support services on the NT Government website

You can also contact:

• 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732), the National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service. 1800 RESPECT also has a Service Directory you can use to find services in your local area.
• Services Australia's (Centrelink) Crisis Payment may help you financially if you're experiencing domestic violence call 132 850.
• Call Lifeline (13 11 14) for support if you are suffering a personal crisis, you are thinking of suicide or someone close to you is thinking of suicide.

Children

• Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800) is a confidential counselling service for young people aged between 5 and 25 — via telephone, email and online chat.

Older adults

• The National Elder Abuse phone (1800 ELDERHelp or 1800 353 374) will direct you to the elder abuse helpline in your state or territory, for information and advice on elder abuse.

Men

• No to Violence (1300 766 491) is a family violence telephone counselling, information and referral service, for men wanting to take responsibility for their violent behaviour.
• MensLine Australia (1300 78 99 78) provides support to men having relationship problems and men who commit, or experience, domestic violence.

People with a disability

• The National Disability Abuse and Neglect Hotline (1800 880 052) is a confidential service for reporting abuse and neglect of people with disability.

Looking for information for Aboriginal and/or Torres Strait Islander people?

• 13 Yarn (13 92 76) is a national crisis support line for Aboriginal and/or Torres Strait Islander people who are feeling overwhelmed or having difficulty coping. They offer a confidential one-on-one with a Lifeline-trained Indigenous crisis supporter.

Do you prefer to read in languages other than English?

• Services Australia has information on domestic violence in languages other than English (including audio resources and a checklist).
• If you are assisting someone who does not speak English, call the Translating and Interpreting Service (TIS) on 13 14 50. They can connect you to the appropriate support service.

Looking for information for sexually and gender-diverse families?

• QLife offers anonymous, LGBTI support and referral on 1800 184 527.